| They Say… | They Mean… |
| This won’t hurt at all | This will probably hurt a little |
| You may feel some pressure | This will probably hurt you |
| You might feel a slight prick | This is definitely going to hurt you |
| There might been some stinging | You will have to muffle a cry of pain |
| This may hurt a little | You will need restraints, I’m watching for a violent response |
| This will hurt | You may prefer death, in fact people have died from the pain alone during this procedure |
I Am the Proud Owner Of an iPhone 1.0
You are either with the have’s or the have not’s. If you don’t have an iPhone, Apple has priced the next generation device very reasonably.
- 8gb - $199
- 16gb - $299
Location Location Location!
The new iPhone will come with built in GPS which will make Google Maps even more useful. You know Garmin and TomTom are very concerned about this feature. But how is this going to change my life? The next wave of social networks are going to be location based. Now imagine Facebook with maps integrated. How about you have an option on Facebook to see which friends are within a 25 mile radius of you? Sounds a little too big brother but it is happening. A big player in this location based revolution is loopt. Check their site to see what I mean. I think they just signed a big deal with t-Mobile or Verizon.
App Store
Another awesome feature to the new iPhone is the App Store. It will have an icon just like the iTunes store button but you will be able to purchase apps wirelessly. There are limitations but you can see where this is headed. Wirelessly syncing, purchasing, and communication. July 11th is launch day for the App store and the 2.0 software for the iPhone. Mark your calendar.
3G
iPhone on speed. 3.6 times faster than the first generation. Check out the response from the crowd. “The Steve” is passionate so be warned. I am more than happy to see this happening, as my primary use for the iPhone is internet use.
Before the procedure…
Dear Citizens of America,In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”,but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd willbe a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like abunch of Jessies - English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”).18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.Thank you for your co-operation.John Cleese
on LOST...